The role of Facebook in the beginning, middle and end of my relationship.

He was my first. Never before have I had a relationship anything like it. Now that the relationship is over I wonder, would I want another one like it? And if I don’t, is it even avoidable? It was the first time I’ve had a relationship where Facebook was so central. Looking back (and I suppose forward), I’m not interested in judging Facebook as good or bad (probably because nothing can stop me loving Facebook!) but I’m simply sharing my reflections on the role Facebook played in the start, continuation and finally the end of a relationship. 

The beginning

We had mutual friends and saw each other occasionally at events but it wasn’t until we became “friends” on Facebook that things really started to percolate.  Being able to look through each other’s photos, asking questions and commenting on statuses prompted regular contact. Then the online chatting began. An experienced Facebooker, our first chats were about me helping him get familiar with how Facebook worked. Pretty soon we were chatting regularly and the flirtation escalated. In our chats, we began to make the occasional innuendos and hints we never would’ve had the courage to do in person or even on the phone - at least not that soon. The sense of intimacy on Facebook helped move us forward to exchanging phone numbers and from there texting followed by the first date and onto an 11 month relationship.

The middle

When I changed my status on Facebook from single to “in a relationship” and went a step further naming him as the one I was in a relationship with, somehow seeing it on my wall made it real; that by declaring it on Facebook meant we really were in a commitment!  

Facebook was also a communal way of sharing our adventures, laughs and even the rough days and an easy way to connect throughout the day. Dozens of “self-portraits” were posted during our relationship (all initiated by me…I love taking those!) these were often used as new profile pics. Between all the photos we posted of our adventures, trips and experiences and the ongoing commenting on each other’s (and friends’) walls, our friends and family got to “know” us. My family and friends in America “friended” him and the community around our relationship grew. 

The end

In the immediate minutes after the breakup, I knew I needed to delete him as a friend on Facebook. Not because he was a terrible person who had done me wrong (he isn’t and hadn’t), but because it was too painful to remain “friends” online. I didn’t want to know if he was online, I didn’t want to see if he was active or idle, I didn’t want to wish he would ping me, I didn’t want to see his statuses, to gauge if he was hurting or happy...I didn't want to see anything. To heal, to move on, ties had to be cut. In a perfect world, you move on by having enough time to just grieve and heal without any unnecessary reminders. And I did my best to create that. Occasionally, I’d catch one of his comments on a mutual friend’s wall and my stomach would drop. And in those moments, I knew I had done the right thing for my mending heart having removed him and all his family members from my Facebook world. I needed Facebook to be a safe place I could move through, post and comment without the fear of “bumping” into him.

About a month later, a couple of people inquired why our photos were still on my Facebook page. Up until that point, I was too busy with the day to day post-breakup roller-coaster of feelings to face them or worry about them. And then one Friday night, I knew it was time. To remove the photos on Facebook was to acknowledge it was over and I had to move forward. And during one painful evening, I deleted our relationship as chronicled on Facebook. I didn’t dwell on the photos, I didn’t read the comments, I just knew that I was doing what I had to do. And I was right. That night I turned a corner.

The future

Looking forward, I accept (and actually appreciate) that for most of us Facebook is part of our daily activity of connecting with others. Therefore at some stage when I’m dating again, it will likely have its rightful place in the relationship (unless I date someone whose identity must remain secret for the sake of national security…that sounds kinda hot, don’t you think?) In the meantime, I wonder what you think – where does Facebook sit with your romantic relationships? Helped? Hindered? Or something else?