How Living in the UK Teaches Me Patience (Against My Will)

I am an impatient American; hear me ROAR! Well…maybe I’m not quite as impatient as I used to be and my ROAR is more like a slow but steady growl. In my combined 11+ years of living in the UK, I’ve been forced to learn new levels of patience and acceptance – but I haven’t learned them willingly, even if it’s been for my betterment.

So what exactly teaches me this? Here are a few of my biggest “teachers”:

1. Comprehension challenges – my head hurts! 
It’s incredible how many different accents there are on this small island. And I don’t mean just a slight twang of a difference. I mean full blown, “Are they actually speaking English?” type differences. Such variety! But it can be such a challenge for a foreigner like me! Whether the speaker is from Glasgow, Liverpool or somewhere deep in Somerset (and everything in between), the best way to understand what’s being said is to relax, be patient and not try to understand each and every word. Rather, let all the confusing sounds and words roll over you and you’ll find the context becomes apparent. It also helps to breathe, relax and in this way, practice patience. No sense struggling and getting frustrated!

2. Look! A Queue! I must now join it!
It’s joked that queuing is a British national pastime. How true that is. Orderly, fair and patient queuing is expected and honoured (unless in traffic, then the Brits become entirely different beasts…ANGRY beasts…but that’s for another post another time).

3. Pardon? Did you just say “furore” and not “furor”?
The same technique in number one applies to the differences in vocabulary. It could be totally new words (“codswallop”, anyone?), same words different meanings (“pants”) or similar but different words ("furore "vs "furor")…but in all cases, assimilation doesn’t mean understanding each and every one all at once. It means sitting back and allowing yourself to not understand completely, to pick up nuances and differences slowly and trust that despite the differences, you will still somehow successfully communicate.

4. So what you’re saying isn’t really what you mean, is it?
Ahhhh, the subtle and refined use of subtext. It’s not something Americans are that familiar with. Typically wearing our hearts on our sleeve and believing in clear and direct communication, plunging into the world of British communication can be rather baffling. At first, you don’t notice it. You’ve been brought up to take what is being said literally and the Brits are just so polite and “friendly”. But gradually over time, a small voice inside you starts to whisper that sometimes the words the Brit is saying to you doesn’t ring true to what you think they really mean. And that the “friendly” you perceived at first is actually just “polite” and slight changes in tone and facial expressions belie a totally different meaning. It was actually quite painful at first because it meant I couldn’t trust my instincts and what I was hearing in the same way anymore. But with time, I’ve come to appreciate the art of the subtext and for the most part have adapted. It takes time and this has been one of the biggest learning curves.

5. Apologizing to the waitress that I actually asked for ice in my diet coke
I still have a lot more patience I need to learn in the area of British customer service. Either that or start a service revolution ensuring British customer service standards meet American ones. To be honest, I’m not sure which is more likely. I find it exceedingly hard to accept slow service or sub-par service. Further, most Brits recognize bad service but kind of just shrug it off and do nothing about it. It baffles (and at times enrages) me, but as they are probably more serene than me, it’s probably better I just keep practicing patience. I am slowly getting there. S-L-O-W-L-Y.

In general, the same thing I most appreciate about living here I also simultaneously resent. I appreciate the slower pace, the more relaxed nature of life and not getting bent out of shape over things that easily. Yet, the lack of urgency drives me crazy as does the disinterest in making a stink about things when they’re just not right. Imagine needing something from your doctor and having to write a letter and then having to wait months for the response…in writing! Or moving house and having to wait 8-10 weeks for the phone company to install your line? Or even being served a bad meal that took 30 minutes to come, not saying anything and still paying money for it? Imagine that as being normal! Well, apparently I can’t have it both ways. So for today, I choose to be thankful for all the patience the Brits teach me. I also thank them for not getting up in arms over the little things; for showing me that being laid back (or even plain apathetic) can be peaceful and that nothing is that important…except when I’m forced to sit at a dirty table at a restaurant and beg the waitress to clean it for me. That I just cannot abide!

How about you, whether a Brit or not, do you find you learn patience living in the UK?

5 Simple Questions Brits Ask that I Just Cannot Answer Quickly

I dream of a simpler world, an alternate reality; one where I can satisfactorily and easily answer the questions I’m most often asked by curious (and polite) Brits on a daily basis. But alas, there are no “quick wins” with me, despite my numerous attempts. And the reasons for this are two-fold: the first is my path to ending up and staying in the UK isn’t straightforward therefore making simple answers difficult and the second reason is I am inherently honest so I find curtailing the truth for simplicity sake nearly impossible. Plus it’s possible I’m a tad bit verbose. Okay, I know I am. Whatever!

Anyway, what are these questions I find so hard to quickly answer? Below are the 5 most frequently asked questions and my best efforts at answering them: 

1. Where are you from? (This is usually asked as a slightly trailing question implying they have guessed either Canada or US but aren’t sure which so leave it to me to confirm their guess).
America…mostly. Well kind of. But also Canada. Hmmm. I moved from Los Angeles but my family are in Phoenix, Arizona and have been there for several years. But I was born in Canada and lived there as a child. [Now it’s my turn to trail off as I see their confused faces and curse myself for not being able to just choose one answer and stick with it].

2. Are you Canadian…or American or….?
Well that depends…which do you prefer ? You see, I was born in one, raised in another and now live in a third. I mostly grew up in Phoenix but spent much of my youth in Canada and was born there. So I’m Canadian by birth, American via my mother and upbringing and British via my father (who immigrated to Canada when he was a boy). I should really see about selling my hand in marriage on eBay; I could make a fortune with those 3 passports! [cue loud laughter…usually just mine]. 

3. How long have you been here?
This time around it’s 5 years but I lived here for 6 years in the 90’s. So a total of 11 years, just broken up into two lives…and two different decades!

4. What made you move here (with undisguised incredulity in their voice)
I was 20, living in Phoenix, working, going to university but unhappy; I had no idea what I wanted to do or be. I wanted an adventure, to see something in the world outside my norm. My dad mentioned I might be eligible for a British passport (as he was born there) which would mean I could work here (and he was right!). We didn’t have internet then so I couldn’t research online but I got tourist books from the library (and watched A Fish Called Wanda several times) as my reference guides and I decided I wanted to at least try it. I didn’t have a job and moved here alone. I figured I’d stay one year no matter what, even if I was working at a cashier at a petrol station! I sold everything I had, got a one way ticket and arrived with two huge suitcases and a trench coat with shoulder pads (as I knew you all wore them…and I also knew there would be foggy cobblestone streets lit by Victoria gas-lamps) in December 1992. The rest is history!

5. Why do you stay here (inferring the weather as a main reason to leave ol’ Blighty)?
I don’t mind the weather. I love the green (remember, I grew up in Canada!) and to have that you need rain. I also love the British life-work balance; it’s much more sympathetic than the American system which still feels a lot like a rat race (not to mention the US average of 2 weeks’ annual vacation allotment). It’s also great to live surrounded by history. Even things here which have no history to you are older than Phoenix! Plus I love the British character.There’s a laid back, “we don’t take things that seriously” energy which I find refreshing, let alone the British sense of humour – which has to be the most outstanding British characteristic. I don’t love everything and I don’t know if I’ll stay forever but it’s a great place to live, actually. [the reactions to this are split down the middle – 50% seem newly proud of their county and the other 50% still regard me as being crazy.]

Thinking about it all of the above questions, I find question 1 the hardest to answer. Maybe my difficulty in answering it reflects my lack of real roots. Having such a mixed upbringing, I guess I don’t know where I’m from, not in a firm way so how can I express it to anyone else?  On the other hand, I enjoy answering question 5 the most. It’s satisfying to share with cynical Brits why someone who could be living in sunny and glamorous Los Angeles would choose to live in a cold, rainy and at times grim place that is their country. I love to outline all the reasons why they’re great what their country has to offer.

What do you think? Should I curtail my answers to being only ½ accurate for time saving? Or just keep on doing what I do with these long-haul answers to such simple questions? If you’re an expat, can you relate to this? What do you do, short and simple or long narratives like mine?

5 Simple Luxuries in America I Really Miss

Anyone who knows me knows I love living in the beautiful and historic country that is England. But that's not to say that when I go back to the States for a visit, I don't absolutely submerge myself in the luxuries that seem to be more readily available (and affordable) there. This Christmas I went back to Phoenix for the holidays and I noticed there were a few minor things (by American standards) that seemed SO luxurious to me and that I genuinely miss back home in England. It's not that they don't exist here, but they're not the norm.

Here are five examples of these simple luxuries and why I miss them living in England:

1. Mixer taps - I've never met an American expat who didn't marvel (in abject frustration) why the Brits insist on having separate hot and cold water taps in their bathrooms, even in new constructions! This would be unheard of in America. All bathrooms, public or private, have mixer taps which assure you a perfect and consistent temperature (no scalding or freezing, yay!) Coming home to my little English flat and it's blasted hot and cold taps in my bathroom sink is such a comedown.

2. Automatic transmission - Manual transmission or "stick shift" as we call it in America exists but is not commonplace whereas in the UK it's the reverse. The nice thing about automatic transmission is you can more easily chill out when driving. There's something very relaxing about being at a red light with just your foot on the brake and when it's time to start moving, you just have to lift your foot off the gas and then simply press the gas! It's also easier to drink your Starbucks when you aren't having to juggle the cup and changing gears; it's all about priorities, folks!  

3. Paper towels in public bathrooms - Carbon footprint be damned, I LOVE paper towels. I especially like to easily dry my hands after washing them in public restrooms. It's faster, simpler and more satisfying than air dryers. And in most public bathrooms in the States, you have the option for towels - either of the paper towel variety or the cloth ones on the little hidden, hygienic wheel thing. Returning to England and having to use air blowers is a real bummer (in some cases my hands would dry faster if I blew on them, the machines are so pathetic). 

4. Vanity space and storage - I can't stand bathrooms which are cluttered with toiletries and one of the biggest adjustments living here is the lack of storage space in British bathrooms (it made my Top Ten list of differences in a previous post).  I don't think I've ever seen a pedestal sink in an American bathroom because Americans are smart - they use the space around the sink as counter space, never mind the built in drawers and storage. Thus, there need never be bathroom clutter again in a typical American bathroom (unless you're messy but this isn't a post about you). I wish more British bathrooms were like that, even in the small ones - your stuff has to go somewhere for goodness sake. 

5. Diagonal Parking - Thanks to all the space in America, most car parks are large with easy ability to pull in and out (and they're free, unless you're in a congested and large city centre). And my favourite type of parking is diagonal. It's idiot-proof (relatively speaking). You ease in on an angle and reverse out. With the huge SUVs we tend to drive in America, this is a necessity but to me it's a total luxury. 

What do you think? What else have I missed or do you think I'm being unfair?

My British Bucket List

I have never been into resolutions and in fact, I haven’t ever been that great at planning! But I do like to think about what’s in my heart and what true heart’s desires I have. From there, I like to think I help the universe bring these into my life in some form. A perfect example is the fact I am living and working in the UK, which got me thinking...there are so many things I want to do but several of them are very UK specific. Therefore, I decided to compile them in one list, check them out:

1. Go to a Have I Got News for You taping – It was a badge of honour after my first couple years of living in the UK (which was in the 90’s) when I finally “got” British humour. And with that came a love a this clever, funny and always topical British TV show. A panel of comedians with an assortment of guests, headed up by a new host each week answer questions about the week in news. Sarcasm, irony and often looniness (thanks to Paul Merton) ensues. Twice a year I set my calendar a reminder for the exact moment tickets become available and register online. So far unsuccessful, I hope one day I manage to see this show taped at the BBC studios in London.
Likelihood of achievement: fair (with continued diligence and a bit of good luck).

2. A weekend at posh castle in Scotland – the 3 key words in this entry are: posh, castle and Scotland. That’s all you need to know.
Likelihood of achievement: excellent (any suggestions where I might make reservations?)

3. Coast to Coast Walk – according to Wikipedia, this is described as, “a 192-mile unofficial and mostly unsignposted long distance footpath in Northern England. Devised by Alfred Wainwright, it passes through three contrasting national parks.” The walk connects both coasts of the UK at their narrowest point. What scenery that must be and a personal challenge to achieve the goal.  I like the idea of walking it with a sherpa service which delivers my luggage to B&Bs along the way. I liked the idea of it so much, I bought a coffee table book about it. :)
Likelihood of achievement: poor. I currently consider walking the dog for 30 minutes on flat surfaces, “quite a good walk”. Thus the time commitment and training to do such a walk doesn’t bode well for me. But that could change, you never know.

4. A weekend of museums in London – I love museums! I don’t read everything and I remember almost nothing, but nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoy visiting museums; particularly history museums. There are countless museums in London but I’d like to take a long weekend and visit several of them, including: The British Museum, Victoria and Albert Museum, Imperial War Museum, Museum of Natural History and maybe even the Science museum.
Likelihood of achievement: excellent (if I’m willing to accept I probably can’t nor will want to see that many in just one weekend and space them out more).

5. Date a rugby player: in addition to liking the idea of dating a man whose thighs are bigger than mine (which is quite a tall order, I don’t mind telling you), I would like to date a man who can throw me over his shoulder and run around the backyard with me squealing in laughter.
Likelihood of achievement: variable since it largely depends on how I define “rugby player” and if “former” is allowed.

6. A week in a Canal boat – this is coming from a girl who has never gone on a cruise for fear that the motion-sickness would ruin the fun (I prefer riding in the front seat of cars to avoid feeling ill!). However, the idea of cruising the many canals of the River Thames at a slow and easy pace doesn’t concern me nearly as much. Besides, if I had to get off the boat, I could probably make the jump to land as we’re hardly talking “open water”.  I also like the idea of some self-catering on the canal boat but also being able to park (what would the right term be for this, I wonder?) and go into a local restaurant (or for a Starbucks run!) For me, this idea means relaxation, good conversation, reading, games with family or friends who are with me. On the down side, if it’s chucking it down with rain, one may have to conquer severe cabin fever!
Likelihood of achievement: Good, especially if I’m doing it with someone who is happy to “drive” the boat and we don’t have to worry about that side of things.

7, Have a proper “high tea” – I’ve had a lot of cream teas but I’m not sure I’ve never had the kind of “high tea” that, for this American anyway, is synonymous with upper class British life. Cucumber sandwiches (without crusts of course), a selection of beautiful cakes all on a multi-tiered dish. That is something I’d like to do once. And as such, I’d like to do it in a posh (expensive) place such as The Ritz Hotel in London which starts at £42 per person. Maybe I can combine it with #4 on my list. Two birds with one stone and all that. Note to self: jeans are not permitted at The Ritz. Damn.
Likelihood of achievement:  Excellent. Perhaps it’ll have to be something I do with my mom during her next visit. It’s a lot of money but it’d be one of those experiences that we could talk about and say we’ve done.

8. Visit “Victorian Farm” in Shropshire  - Technically, I wouldn’t be visiting Victorian Farm which was shown in the BBC documentary series, but actually the nearby town Blists Hill which is described as an “open air museum” which “attempts to recreate the sights, sounds and smells of a Victorian Shropshire town in the late 19th century and early 20th century”. Because I enjoyed the documentary series so much, I think spending a day here would be fascinating. Would I remember anything, though (which is my issue with museums...retention issues)?
Likelihood of achievement:  A real toss up. Once I’m busy doing the other items on the bucket list and also going off and seeing places abroad, I doubt I’ll ever really make the time to drive up to the midlands to see this. However, when my sister and her family come to visit, that may be something we work into an already planned road trip somewhere (probably something to do with Doctor Who, if I know them).

9. Be swept off my feet by a Scotsman (with good teeth) – if I were writing about fantasies, then this would be combined with number 5 but I’m a (semi) realist and am breaking down the bucket list into separate items. Being swept away could be short term or long term but I tell you what, I’m a sucker for the Scottish accent. If he has good (or even decent) teeth, he’s so in with a chance.
Likelihood of achievement – poor. Insert jokes here about Scottish teeth if you like but that’s not the reason this has such a low likelihood. The reason is I live on the south coast and there aren’t many Scotsmen around, let alone ones with good teeth who would like to sweep this American with big hair and red lips off her feet. Still, hope springs eternal.

10. See a tennis match at Wimbledon – I’m the kind of tennis fan that enjoys the Grand Slams. But other than that, I barely follow tennis (so that probably makes me normal, come to think of it). My mom and I have a new tradition; she comes to visit me in late June and we watch Wimbledon on TV. I’d like to have the experience of seeing a match in person. However, I do not have any desire to go there at the crack of dawn and queue hoping for a ticket, that’s not my style. Instead, I’ll put myself in for the lottery each year until I get some tickets (then pray for no rain!) I got my application in at the end of 2011 as required, so who knows, maybe I’ll have some beginner’s luck and score tix for this year’s tournament. 
Likelihood of achievement – Fair. If I were willing to travel and queue, it’d change this to “likely”. But as I’m not, I’ll have to rely on diligence on my part and fairness on theirs.

Honourable mention: a Regular column in a newspaper or magazine about my take being an American here. “Living the (American) Dream in Ringwood, Hampshire” or something like that. This shouldn’t really be on the Bucket List because this is so very possible and is just a matter of putting myself forward to a few local publications with some article ideas until someone agrees. What stops me is my fear. So perhaps on the bucket list should be overcoming my fear!

What about you? Do you have anything on your British Bucket List? Or if not that, what is on your general Bucket List? I can’t wait to read your comments!